... about Charades

Charades was made "popular" by Lionel Blair nobody is sure why he decided it was worth doing but it has been suggested that it was a drunken bet with his brother, Tony.

It's a simple game to play, the opening stage of the game is probably the best bit: firstly an over excited family member (and yes it's usually my mum, for which I apologise) will insist that "we all play a game!" usually because it's Christmas or New Year which means we have to tolerate each others company as a family without resorting to the TV.
At this point the other players make desperate excuses as to why they can't play a game... these hopeless gambits will ultimately fail because we don't want to ruin Christmas for mother, do we?
Next comes a second round of desperation whilst the family tries to agree on a half-enjoyable game, inevitably this is just a delaying tactic and will fail. Some idiot (or my mum) will suggest Charades this will be received with icy stares, more excuses, and a quick recreation of the Goldfinger sketch from the Christmas episode of Bottom (charades starts about halfway through).
The game itself is something of a let down after all that excitement!

There are 2 ways to make charades considerably better:
1) Make it as hard as possible to guess, acting like an idiot is the best part of the game, enjoy it, give in and ham it up for all your worth. On this note its worth mentioning that one of the funniest charades I've ever seen was the Blob which contained no clues other than the person involved behaving like a blob for about quarter of an hour!
2) Make it random, buy yourself a big book o' films and pick from it at random. This works even better if the book has foreign films in it!

By now you're probably itching to play so here are a couple to wet your beak, see if you can guess them:

Charade 1

Raises right hand and makes circle in front of eye. Left cranks handle at side of head.
Raises 3 fingers.
Raises 1 finger. Slaps forehead with palm of right hand.
Raises 2 fingers. Pulls at earlobe. Puts pinky finger to corner of mouth, then cradles something with left arm makes motions above it with right hand. Points at self, performs motions again, points at self.
Raises 3 fingers. Puts 3 fingers against forearm.
Puts 1 finger against forearm. Pulls at earlobe. Walks around slowly with back slightly bent and right arm trailing (45 degrees backwards and downwards).
Puts 2 fingers against forearm. Points towards viewer
Puts 3 fingers against forearm. Pulls at earlobe. makes L shape with hand as the viewer sees it one of the bars points down the other points right.

That's it!


Charade 2

Traces rectangular symbol in air around face.
Holds up 2 fingers.
Holds up 1 finger. Taps one finger on arm.
Holds hand above head and wiggles fingers, in imitation of rain. Raises one arm and rubs armpit with hand. Rubs chest and face. Points to item in rubbing hand.
Taps 2 fingers on arm. Bends legs so almost squatting, then rises. Continues to do this, moving up and down.
Holds up 2 fingers. Taps 1 finger on arm. Makes rectangular symbol again with fingers in air.
Taps 2 fingers on arm. Puts out tongue and nods head, like tired dog.

Finish!

... about Mash-Ups

The concept of the mash-up was created by Humphrey Littleton on "I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue" in a game called "One Song to the Tune of Another". Since then it has been taken to the hearts of, mostly amateur, DJ's the world over and in particular Germany and the Internets. The traditional technique is to take something that the "cool kids" would dance to and combine it with something the "cool kids" wouldn't dance to and then try and give it a clever or funny name - so for example we could take Phil Collins and "mash him up with" Jay-Z (or one of that crowd) giving us Easily 99 Problematic Lovers or something, to my knowledge that one doesn't exist yet but if anyone does decide to make it then send it and the royalties my way!

Mash-ups are generally not released commercially and that's for two reasons firstly the vast majority are rubbish and don't actually aid the original songs and secondly the original songs are used without permission and hence there would be a huge tangle of lawyers (dependent on the number of songs and samples used) fighting over what little profits might be made. Whilst watching lawyers fight is vastly entertaining its probably not worth the trouble in this situation!

It seems that the world of the mash-up lacks originality and the same songs re-occur time and again. Staples include: Missy Elliot - Get Your Freak On; Jay-Z - 99 Problems; The Prodigy - Smack My Bitch Up; AC/DC - Back in Black; The Chemical Brothers - Galvanize; Survivor - Eye of the Tiger; and any given Snoop, Michael Jackson, Dr Dre or Queen song! Presumably with this information you could make the Best Mash-Up Ever which would be something like "99 Thrilling Freaks Smack the Galvanized Queen in the Black Eye for Snooping"... oh wait I forgot about Dre!

... about 1984 - The Musical!

Walt Disney's 1984. From the novel by Orson Wells. Music by Jeff Wayne.

The Future. The world is divided into three huge states: Oceania, Eastanglia, and Tesco, permanently at war with one another. In London County, Inglandcestershire, Winston Zeddmore Smith awaits trial in the Ministry of Fun.

Winston - Oh no! I'm going to be brainwashed and put in room 101! Whatever shall I do? But - wait a moment! Who's this?

Dennis - 'Allo Winston! Blimey, you look a bit down! Got a face like a thought policeman's arse, you have. Wossa problem?

Winston - Can't you see? I've be captured! I have only torture and death to look forward to!

Dennis - Ah, it's not so bad. All you've got to do is look at it right, and whistle a little tune between your big incisors that can chew right through a man's head. Just like this...

Well you've failed in your rebellion,
against a system that's Orwellian,
and the bad news is that they got hold of you alive.
You thought Julia would elope with ya,
but now the Stalinist dystopia's
not going to let you stay around for 1985.

But -
Cheer up Winston, cheer up Winston!
Why else d'you think they call it the Ministry of Fun!
Cheer up Winston, Cheer up Winston!
You might get Paul Merton's autograph when you're in room 101!
So put on a great big smile, and remember all the while,
There's still a dozen pages till the story is unfurled.
You may have lost a lover, but now you've gained a brother,
So when you look at it, it ain't the worst thing in the world.

Winston - Hey, you're right! (Singing:)

Well I took on the fist of iron,
And was brainwashed by O'Brien,
Because I didn't do all of the things I should.
My chance of survival may be brittle,
But I've got you - like Stuart Little,
And with my best friend here I'm feeling plus plus good.

They sing the chorus again. The thought police storm through the door and do a dance. O'Brien performs a solo on a rusty machine with dials. A picture of Big Brother winks. In the merriment, Julia, Winston and Dennis slip out the back door and off to frolic in the Golden Country. And so on.

... about Bee Cuisine

Bees like to cook for Hornets, or so I heard.

... about the toughest games

It was the Georgian potter Josiah Wedgewood who famously observed "Ceramic drinking vessels? That's a mug's game". Life is undoubtedly full of games: some great, some beautiful, many tough. But which is the toughest?

Firstly, the scale of the game is no indicator of its toughness. The Great Game, a set of border skirmishes between the British and Russian Empires in the mid-Victorian period, was undoubtedly large-scale, but as its name suggests it was terrific fun and everyone had a great time. On the other hand Chris Isaak's Wicked Game would appear to be restricted to one man, but even Chris Isaak didn't seem to enjoy it very much: in fact, he seemed pretty whiny about it. It was clearly wicked only in the non-skateboarding sense.

In some games it is nearly impossible to learn all the rules, such as The Crying Game or Warhammer Fantasy Battle. You may think you know all there is to know about the crying game, but as the film of the same title shows, there's always potential for one of your fellow-players to pull a surprise on you.

Sometimes, games don’t work out as easily as might be expected. Take two popular games from South Central Los Angeles, the Rap Game and the Drug Game. Among those with experience, the Rap Game is actually considered harder than the Drug Game, largely because if some foo' diss you in tha Drug Game you can shoot him and kill him, but if some foo' diss you in tha Rap Game you gotta be all humble an shit. Also you don’t get to choose the types of music you listen to.

All of these games, however, pale into insignificance compared to Boggle. Boggle is one of the hardest games there is, especially if you play against Owen. Even the Beastie Boys acknowledge this, boldly claiming to be the kings of Boggle in one of their songs, undoubtedly a more impressive boast than winning at either rap or drugs.

... About Making Fudge

1. Making fudge sounds rude but sometimes just means making fudge.


2. Making fudge sounds easy:
   Take all the butter you have in the house add it to all the sugar you have in the house and melt it in some evaporated milk, then boil it, then cool it.


3. Making fudge is NOT easy.


4. Making fudge yourself is almost certainly not worth the effort especially as the quantity you make is likely to be large enough to give you a sugar rush more powerful than any drug known to man!


5. Making fudge is probably best left to the professionals, I can recommend these guys but there's plenty out there!

... About Scorpions

Everybody knows that cockroaches will survive the apocalypse, but if they want to run planet earth they'll have the scorpions (not the band) to answer to and those guys don't mess about! In the post-apocalyptic wastelands I'm siding with the scorpions especially because by then they will probably have mutated into 8' goliaths (just like their Uncle Jake).

Scorpions belong to the arachnid family and are the cooler more deadly older brother of the spider - who don't have razor sharp claws or venomous stingers and lets face it are a bit dull.

As well as being able to withstand nuclear radiation scorpions can survive without breathing for 3 days, without eating for a year, being frozen sold, and being set on fire - which they often do for fun at parties. Other party tricks up the scorpion sleeves include glowing fluorescent under UV lights, being able to detach their penis, and not actually having sleeves! Unfortunately they don't handle strong liquor well and should be kept on beers if possible.

Currently scorpions are creating a cure for cancer just because they can and they're that cool.

...about Naming Things in Australia

When Captain James T. Cook invented Australia he gave some of it names to make conversation easier, he had two systems:
- either he would name it after one of his mates - Point Hicks named after Dave, of course, and Port Jackson apparently Cook was a big fan of Thriller.
- or he would "state the blindingly obvious" - Botany Bay (which he originally called Stingray Bay), Point Danger, Cape Tribulation, and of course there's Booby Island named after its attractive native birds.
It's unclear as to whether Port Stephens was named after one of his mates or because there where lots of people called Stephen

Since his death, in Hawaii mediating (poorly) over troublesome locals, the people of Australia have continued his naming traditions but with the first option the only name the use is Cook examples of these wondrous post-cook namings include Cook island, Cook Strait, the amazing Scenic World, The Awards awards, and the perfect example of both methods in action is the James Cook University in Townsville!

If Cook's methods are not enough to name the place you've discovered you can use these back up methods:
- steal a really good name from somewhere else like Putney, Beaconsfield, Carnarvon or High Wycombe!
- make something weird up and claim that's what the natives call it such as Yagoona, Woolloomooloo, or Yallabatharrra.

And then of course there's New South Wales which I'm sure I don't need to explain to you!

... about Famous Author Toby Frost

Toby's second book is out! It's as good, if not better than the first you can get it from Waterstones or Amazon.
Here's a synopsis:

Tea...a beverage brewed from the fermented dried leaves of the shrub Camellia sinensis and imbibed by all the great civilisations in the galaxy's history; a source of refreshment, stimulation and, above all else, of moral fibre - without which the British Space Empire must surely crumble to leave Earth at the mercy of its enemies. Sixty per cent of the Empire's tea is grown on one world - Urn, principal planet of the Didcot system. If Earth is to keep fighting, the tea must flow. When a crazed cult leader overthrows the government of Urn, Isambard Smith and his vaguely competent crew find themselves saddled with new allies: a legion of tea-obsessed nomads, an overly-civilised alien horde and a commando unit so elite that it only has five members. Only together can they defeat the self-proclaimed God Emperor of Didcot and confront the true power behind the coup: the sinister legions of the Ghast Empire and Smith's old enemy, Commander 462.

...about Online Gaming

It is not possible to explain online gaming. You must experience it. No, sorry, that’s the Matrix, which was a big computer game that many people played at once. The first online game was called “Have you got any teabags, old chap?” and was played between two programmers on an Enigma machine shortly after the Second World War. Since then, online gaming has taken vast steps forward, to the point where one fifty-sixth-level warlock can enter an entire virtual world, summon an army of skeletons and demand of another “Have you got any magic bags of tea, dude?”

Players of such games are often stereotyped. The joke goes that the gorgeous elf-maiden with whom you stormed the Citadel of Urk is actually a pimply fat man named Barry. This is untrue. The truth about online games is this: none of the other characters is a real person. You only think they are.

Think about it. A ZX Spectrum with a hangover could programme a little man to run past you gibbering nonsense, weaving like a drunken fly and occasionally shouting “lol”. Just think how many other gibbering fellow-players could be created by a vast mainframe in Stockholm able to process enough pornography to turn China blind. The only exception to this is Second Life, an attempt to recreate venture-capitalism with Lego men. The players of Second Life actually are wizards and gorgeous elf-maidens, who have grown tired of smiting the Unliving Horde and have embarked on an epic quest to buy a poorly-drawn settee.

...about Women's Lit.

The following is an extract from the hit novel "Love Craft"

Wednesday 10th June
Drink - none (vg!) Calories - 440Cigs - 3
1pm. Went over to see Sharon. She says I ought to have it out with Ben about all these trips away he's been having. "Bridget," she said, "He is so obviously cheating on you! Look at him - he's a man, for God's sake!". So I decided to check, and pretending to be from the firm, rang up their office in Zurich.It turns out he wasn't there at all last week! Bastard!

9.30 pm. Went to see Ben to demand explanation. "You weren't at a conference at all last week!" I said angrily. "I rang up your office and they said you didn't go there at all! And I found this airline ticket with R'Leh written on it!" Of course, being a man, he couldn't come up with a good answer. For a while all he did was go "R'Leh F'Ghagn Cthulu N'Gah", but then he cleared his throat and said, "Bridget, there's something I have to tell you. When you said I came back from business smelling of seaweed last week - you were right. And the Star-Spawn of Carcosa that I went to see aren't a management consultancy firm. I'm not really called Ben Porter. My real name is Cthulhu, the Crawling Chaos. When the stars are right, I and my fellow great old ones, Hastur the Unspeakable and Glaaki of the Spines will rage across Notting Hill and do battle with Shub-Niggurath, black goat of the woods with a thousand young. He's that chap you met at Sarah's dinner party last week, the one who looks a bit like Hugh Grant. Not only is he the foul destroyer of the Great Race of Yith, and master and progenitor of the Shoggoths, but he was giving you the eye. Job in publishing or not, he's definitely got it coming."

Friday 18 July
Calories - 1200 Cigs - 1 (vg!) Hideous experiences of cosmic horror - 3 (vb!)
Went round to Sharon's to discuss men and drink Chardonnay. She says I shouldn't be surprised that Ben is really a malevolent star-god from the abyss bent on the destruction of mankind. "Men, all the same," she says. "They promise you the world - several worlds, actually - and then it turns out they've got a wife or they're seeing someone else. Look at Chris for instance. 'That which is not dead may eternal lie, and with strange eons even death may die', he once said to me. And did he mean a word of it! Did he bollocks. The only good ones are gay, of course. Take that Yog-Sothoth. I'd have him, if only he wasn't chasing men and the annihilation of the universe all the time."

...about Mary Poppins and disturbing the peace

"On the date in question, I was called to Hyde Park, where I had been informed that a disturbance was taking place. On arriving at the location, I observed the Defendant, who was in charge of two young children and a pram, singing and dancing with a dishevelled man equipped with a large brush, later identified as the gentleman over there. I issued a warning and requested that they desist, at which point they attempted to encourage me to join them in their merriment. On asking the gentleman to cease, he observed "I does what I likes and I likes what I do," in what I considered was a weak attempt to imitiate a Cockney accent. PC Smith and myself saw that they were unlikely to co-operate, and arrested them.

"In the police station, a small quantity of sugar was found on the woman's person - I would estimate about a spoonful's. When asked about this, she claimed it was for "medicinal" purposes, and that it affected her in "quite the most delightful way". This, and earlier comments regarding dancing penguins and floating down from the sky, was sufficient to convince the arresting officer and myself that a serious drug offence was taking place. Miss Poppins was remanded on bail, pending a hearing.

"In any event, I do not believe that the law allows for a plea of supercalifradulisticexpialidocious."

...about Prohibition

Flashbulbs go off, etc.

"Mr Ness! Mr Ness! Howard Poole, Chicago Tribune! Fifteen bootleggers in one week! Could you tell our readers the secret of your remarkable success? What is it that powers you incredible crusade against crime?"

"Ah, fuggof. Is... is.... is all a bi' tricky ri now. 'S'all a blur. I gorra gun, right? Yeah... you startin? You want some? Probition - tha's bad. Tha's a bad thing. No! Good thing! Drink is bad. Wrong. Tha's why me an, anna Unt - Unt - Unterbubbles gotta get rid of it all. Get rid of alla drink inna world. Jus' give it to me. Hey, good looking! Ooh, I feel funny."

...about Aztec Legends

In Aztec folklore, Pryzacapoffabotl eventually married the maiden Gotabotlofpop, and they lived happily ever after until he sacrificed her to the sun and ate her heart. He was promptly ambushed by her suitor Popacapinyoass, the god of war, who ate his heart and played football with his head. In the ensuing chaos Popacapinyoass was fought by Gotapopiandanetl, god of foliage, who was unsurprisingly sacrificed, and whose heart was eaten, which made the sun giggle. At this point, two minor gods of speed called Gotafutonthethrotl and Haali-Davisun were playing football with the head of Havacapmadeofmetl, god of protective headgear. The head struck Popacapinyoass, who promptly made war on them and ate their hearts in the sun. This act of bravery prompted the god of time, Tiktokgoestheclok, to announce that Popacapinyoass was the bravest Aztec god because he Hadalotovbotl.

Popacapinyoass and Mmgonabustyachops (the Aztec and Inca gods of war respectively) did once meet, when they gathered on the plain of Rocaroundthekloc to do battle with the feared Spanish conquistador, Samuelle El Jaxonne. Although the two deities were brave and even more angry than usual, El Jaxonne was better equipped Teknologikali and in an unexpected flanking move stole all their gold while they were busy removing hearts, building step pyramids, writing in ash, playing football with heads, drinking blood and sacrificing things to the sun. This confused the two deities so much that they sacrificed the sun to the heart of a football made of ash and managed to drink each others heads. By the time they had sorted out the confusion, El Jaxonne was gone with their Ka and all of their money...

...about Aztec Deities

Pryzacapoffabotl - god of difficult-to-open soft drink containers
Gotabotlofpop - the goddess of soft drinks and maiden wife of Pryzacapoffabotl
Popacapinyoass (known by the Inca name Mmgonabustyachops) - the god of war and suitor to Gotabotlofpop
Gotapopiandanetl - god of foliage
Gotafutonthethrotl and Haali-Davisun - twin gods of speed
Havacapmadeofmetl - god of protective headgear.
Tiktokgoestheclok - god of time
Hadalotovbotl - god of bravery
L'afMbalsov - deity of mirth and merriment
Pupilivsinakenl - god of pet accommodation
Kanamanswimthechanl - god of long-distance swimming

...about Prog Rock

Prog Rock is a form of rock music influenced by heroic legend. Prog rock albums seek to reflect the epic nature of The Lord of the Rings by being very, very long. Prog rock songs are all about a wizard, without exception. Even were a prog rock song about something normal, buying some chips for instance, the chips would still be stolen by Gollum. The only exception is Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd, which is about a teacher putting children into a mincing machine. This is how haggis is made.

Owing to the extreme length of prog rock songs, it is common for fans to bid their families goodbye before listening to a full record. Classic prog rockers Hawkwind started performing their album Flame of Udun in March 1974, and are believed to have reached the drum solo by now.

...about Lies about Bees

Ignore Toby's last statement, his lies have riled me greatly!
We in fact know many things about Bees:

• Bees DON'T like lemonade!
• Bees love to dance
• Bees can detect bombs and drugs and are used in modern detectors, when they smell explosives or drugs they stick their tongues out. It's not know whether this is in disgust or anticipation
• Our friend Dave knows more about Bees than us, possibly more than any man, and almost certainly more than is strictly speaking safe!
• Bees scare elephants, just for japes!
• Bees are known to sting people by charging excessive amounts for their honey
• We know more than this about Bees but I'm going to get some lunch now so I'm not writing anymore

...about Bees

Only two things are known about bees.

1. They like lemonade, and
2. lemonade kills them.

Thus their lives, whilst busy, are tragic. Elephants are afraid of bees.

...about Self-Promotion

Everything you need to know about self-promotion can be found on this amazing new website and even more super information can be found in the book Space Captain Smith writen by Toby (one half of the Things We Know team) which is available from Amazon

...about Cockneys

Cockneys are a race of mythical subterrainean creatures encountered by time travellers and parties of adventurers. They live in caves, where they build huge forges. Cockneys are known for their strange habits of being chipper and loving a duck. On the battlefield they are feared for their brutal fighting style, in particular a manouvre called the Knees Up. The cockneys are ruled by a creature called Boboskins the Guvna, also known as the Pearly King. On assuming the throne, Boboskins took the title of Henry the Eighth, he did.

- Extract from famous Cockney film - The Silence of the Whelks
"Do wot, random murders? Nah, Clarice old gel, you can do better than that! Six pearly kings, farnd dead in the same manor? Two killed goin darn the Strand, three in the sound of Bow Bells and one stuffed darn the back of the old Joanna. It's a pattern, innit? He's using 'em to make himself a pair of cor blimey trousers!"