...about Women's Lit.

The following is an extract from the hit novel "Love Craft"

Wednesday 10th June
Drink - none (vg!) Calories - 440Cigs - 3
1pm. Went over to see Sharon. She says I ought to have it out with Ben about all these trips away he's been having. "Bridget," she said, "He is so obviously cheating on you! Look at him - he's a man, for God's sake!". So I decided to check, and pretending to be from the firm, rang up their office in Zurich.It turns out he wasn't there at all last week! Bastard!

9.30 pm. Went to see Ben to demand explanation. "You weren't at a conference at all last week!" I said angrily. "I rang up your office and they said you didn't go there at all! And I found this airline ticket with R'Leh written on it!" Of course, being a man, he couldn't come up with a good answer. For a while all he did was go "R'Leh F'Ghagn Cthulu N'Gah", but then he cleared his throat and said, "Bridget, there's something I have to tell you. When you said I came back from business smelling of seaweed last week - you were right. And the Star-Spawn of Carcosa that I went to see aren't a management consultancy firm. I'm not really called Ben Porter. My real name is Cthulhu, the Crawling Chaos. When the stars are right, I and my fellow great old ones, Hastur the Unspeakable and Glaaki of the Spines will rage across Notting Hill and do battle with Shub-Niggurath, black goat of the woods with a thousand young. He's that chap you met at Sarah's dinner party last week, the one who looks a bit like Hugh Grant. Not only is he the foul destroyer of the Great Race of Yith, and master and progenitor of the Shoggoths, but he was giving you the eye. Job in publishing or not, he's definitely got it coming."

Friday 18 July
Calories - 1200 Cigs - 1 (vg!) Hideous experiences of cosmic horror - 3 (vb!)
Went round to Sharon's to discuss men and drink Chardonnay. She says I shouldn't be surprised that Ben is really a malevolent star-god from the abyss bent on the destruction of mankind. "Men, all the same," she says. "They promise you the world - several worlds, actually - and then it turns out they've got a wife or they're seeing someone else. Look at Chris for instance. 'That which is not dead may eternal lie, and with strange eons even death may die', he once said to me. And did he mean a word of it! Did he bollocks. The only good ones are gay, of course. Take that Yog-Sothoth. I'd have him, if only he wasn't chasing men and the annihilation of the universe all the time."

...about Mary Poppins and disturbing the peace

"On the date in question, I was called to Hyde Park, where I had been informed that a disturbance was taking place. On arriving at the location, I observed the Defendant, who was in charge of two young children and a pram, singing and dancing with a dishevelled man equipped with a large brush, later identified as the gentleman over there. I issued a warning and requested that they desist, at which point they attempted to encourage me to join them in their merriment. On asking the gentleman to cease, he observed "I does what I likes and I likes what I do," in what I considered was a weak attempt to imitiate a Cockney accent. PC Smith and myself saw that they were unlikely to co-operate, and arrested them.

"In the police station, a small quantity of sugar was found on the woman's person - I would estimate about a spoonful's. When asked about this, she claimed it was for "medicinal" purposes, and that it affected her in "quite the most delightful way". This, and earlier comments regarding dancing penguins and floating down from the sky, was sufficient to convince the arresting officer and myself that a serious drug offence was taking place. Miss Poppins was remanded on bail, pending a hearing.

"In any event, I do not believe that the law allows for a plea of supercalifradulisticexpialidocious."

...about Prohibition

Flashbulbs go off, etc.

"Mr Ness! Mr Ness! Howard Poole, Chicago Tribune! Fifteen bootleggers in one week! Could you tell our readers the secret of your remarkable success? What is it that powers you incredible crusade against crime?"

"Ah, fuggof. Is... is.... is all a bi' tricky ri now. 'S'all a blur. I gorra gun, right? Yeah... you startin? You want some? Probition - tha's bad. Tha's a bad thing. No! Good thing! Drink is bad. Wrong. Tha's why me an, anna Unt - Unt - Unterbubbles gotta get rid of it all. Get rid of alla drink inna world. Jus' give it to me. Hey, good looking! Ooh, I feel funny."

...about Aztec Legends

In Aztec folklore, Pryzacapoffabotl eventually married the maiden Gotabotlofpop, and they lived happily ever after until he sacrificed her to the sun and ate her heart. He was promptly ambushed by her suitor Popacapinyoass, the god of war, who ate his heart and played football with his head. In the ensuing chaos Popacapinyoass was fought by Gotapopiandanetl, god of foliage, who was unsurprisingly sacrificed, and whose heart was eaten, which made the sun giggle. At this point, two minor gods of speed called Gotafutonthethrotl and Haali-Davisun were playing football with the head of Havacapmadeofmetl, god of protective headgear. The head struck Popacapinyoass, who promptly made war on them and ate their hearts in the sun. This act of bravery prompted the god of time, Tiktokgoestheclok, to announce that Popacapinyoass was the bravest Aztec god because he Hadalotovbotl.

Popacapinyoass and Mmgonabustyachops (the Aztec and Inca gods of war respectively) did once meet, when they gathered on the plain of Rocaroundthekloc to do battle with the feared Spanish conquistador, Samuelle El Jaxonne. Although the two deities were brave and even more angry than usual, El Jaxonne was better equipped Teknologikali and in an unexpected flanking move stole all their gold while they were busy removing hearts, building step pyramids, writing in ash, playing football with heads, drinking blood and sacrificing things to the sun. This confused the two deities so much that they sacrificed the sun to the heart of a football made of ash and managed to drink each others heads. By the time they had sorted out the confusion, El Jaxonne was gone with their Ka and all of their money...

...about Aztec Deities

Pryzacapoffabotl - god of difficult-to-open soft drink containers
Gotabotlofpop - the goddess of soft drinks and maiden wife of Pryzacapoffabotl
Popacapinyoass (known by the Inca name Mmgonabustyachops) - the god of war and suitor to Gotabotlofpop
Gotapopiandanetl - god of foliage
Gotafutonthethrotl and Haali-Davisun - twin gods of speed
Havacapmadeofmetl - god of protective headgear.
Tiktokgoestheclok - god of time
Hadalotovbotl - god of bravery
L'afMbalsov - deity of mirth and merriment
Pupilivsinakenl - god of pet accommodation
Kanamanswimthechanl - god of long-distance swimming

...about Prog Rock

Prog Rock is a form of rock music influenced by heroic legend. Prog rock albums seek to reflect the epic nature of The Lord of the Rings by being very, very long. Prog rock songs are all about a wizard, without exception. Even were a prog rock song about something normal, buying some chips for instance, the chips would still be stolen by Gollum. The only exception is Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd, which is about a teacher putting children into a mincing machine. This is how haggis is made.

Owing to the extreme length of prog rock songs, it is common for fans to bid their families goodbye before listening to a full record. Classic prog rockers Hawkwind started performing their album Flame of Udun in March 1974, and are believed to have reached the drum solo by now.

...about Lies about Bees

Ignore Toby's last statement, his lies have riled me greatly!
We in fact know many things about Bees:

• Bees DON'T like lemonade!
• Bees love to dance
• Bees can detect bombs and drugs and are used in modern detectors, when they smell explosives or drugs they stick their tongues out. It's not know whether this is in disgust or anticipation
• Our friend Dave knows more about Bees than us, possibly more than any man, and almost certainly more than is strictly speaking safe!
• Bees scare elephants, just for japes!
• Bees are known to sting people by charging excessive amounts for their honey
• We know more than this about Bees but I'm going to get some lunch now so I'm not writing anymore

...about Bees

Only two things are known about bees.

1. They like lemonade, and
2. lemonade kills them.

Thus their lives, whilst busy, are tragic. Elephants are afraid of bees.

...about Self-Promotion

Everything you need to know about self-promotion can be found on this amazing new website and even more super information can be found in the book Space Captain Smith writen by Toby (one half of the Things We Know team) which is available from Amazon

...about Cockneys

Cockneys are a race of mythical subterrainean creatures encountered by time travellers and parties of adventurers. They live in caves, where they build huge forges. Cockneys are known for their strange habits of being chipper and loving a duck. On the battlefield they are feared for their brutal fighting style, in particular a manouvre called the Knees Up. The cockneys are ruled by a creature called Boboskins the Guvna, also known as the Pearly King. On assuming the throne, Boboskins took the title of Henry the Eighth, he did.

- Extract from famous Cockney film - The Silence of the Whelks
"Do wot, random murders? Nah, Clarice old gel, you can do better than that! Six pearly kings, farnd dead in the same manor? Two killed goin darn the Strand, three in the sound of Bow Bells and one stuffed darn the back of the old Joanna. It's a pattern, innit? He's using 'em to make himself a pair of cor blimey trousers!"

...about D&D

D&D is an unwholesome practice carried out by enthusiasts in dungeons. It is thought to have been invented by the Marquis de Gygax in the 1770s. Although it has become more widespread in recent years, it is still rare for anyone to publicly admit their involvement in the D&D "scene". Participants are often bizarrely dressed and fall into two categories: the adventurers, and the dungeon master or mistress, whose job it is to make life uncomfortable for the adventurers and then curse them for being idiots. D&D is not seen as unhealthy in small doses, although more extreme enthusiasts may find it difficult to form normal relationships. Many hardcore participants spend a large amount of money on D&D paraphenalia, including books, equipment and diet Coke.

...about Snoop Dogg

Snoop Dogg is a rapper, but not a bee. He is in fact a dog. Snoop Dogg is of the noted West Coast New York school of rappers. He lives in a dustbin in The Bronx, along with his crew of numerous cats, including 50p, Doctor Andre The Giant and Benny, and is forever getting into scrapes with his enemy, Officer Ibble-Dibble. Close friends get to call him Snoop D.

...about The Wu Tang Clang

The Wu Tang Clang are a group of rap musicians and bees (see Cypress Hill), who style themselves after a Chinese takeaway. They are noted for being very numerous. The Wu, as they are known, are famously modest, even going so far as to claim that “Wu Tang Clang ain’t nothing but fuckwits”. Famous members of the Wu Tang include The Rozzer, The Geezer and Dirty Old Man, who recently passed away after falling into a swimming pool of his own vomit. They have made several records, and appeared in Snoop Dogg’s porn film Enter The Wu Tang.

...about Punk Music

Punk music was invented by punks as a reaction to Prog Rock (see "Prog Rock"). Famous punks include Sid Vicious, Johnny Ramone, Malcom F1 Mclaren and the fashion designer Tim "Vivian" Westwood. Punk rock is often angry and anti-establishment. Typical lyrics are: "God save the Queen,She ain't no human beanThey made you a moronOut of sticky-backed plastic-a." Punk is very difficult to sing, like opera. Excessive rolling of R's is required, along with an unconvincing cockney accent and a tendency to end every word with "a". As a genre it is well suited to ringmasters and town criers. All punk songs end with a raspberry being blown by the singer. If not, they ought to. The authors remain pledged to making this the case.

...about Children

Children are gnome-like creatures, a perverse mockary of man, twisted and evil. If confronted by a child (the singular term) it is essential not to show fear - they can, like dogs and bees (see "Bees"), sense fear and will pounce mercilessly upon the weak.

...about Children and Drunks

Children and Drunks

• crave the spotlight, clammering until they are the center of attention
• repeat the same story until someone listens, often repeating it after that point
• have no sense of fear or personal safety
• have appauling sense of balance and spacial awareness
• lack the mental facilties required to make critical "is this a good idea" judgements
• can't run up walls despite beliefs to the contrary

...about Finland

Finland is a remarkable area in northern Moeminland, inhabited by Finns. It is noted for Sibelius and the fiords, whose first album topped the Finnish top ten. The countryside is full of rolling green fiords, on which graze herds of moomins.

...about Moomins

In Finnish folklore, when a hippo is murdered its vengeful ghost haunts the fiords as a moomin. The moomins are cursed to plod across the dark, gloomy afterworld, harried forever by the hideous Min, a sort of evil goblin-witch that wears a lampshade on its head (see "Minka House"). The moomins feature in ancient Finnish sagas which are a kind of oven bought by posh Finns. In the ancient legends of Finland, such as those made up by Tove Jansen (see "Tove Jansen"), they were herded into battle by the mins, usually against Boromir (see "Prog Rock").
Tove Jansen took this delicate and charming folklore about ghostly hippos and used it to hide subversive and racist propaganda - using the Moomin itself to represent the fat, docile, lazy and often hedonistic West being harrowed by the crafty, devious, and wicked Orient under the guise of Min, or Min the Merciless.

...about "Things We Know!" (an introduction)

We are Toby and Owen, we met at school and presumably this was the place where we started "Knowing Things". That was quite a long time ago and since then we've got to know more and more things. We got to know so many things that some of them started to get a little mixed up, some things we don't know how we know, some of the things we know only because the other one has told us them. Its possible that some of the things we know have no basis in fact, but we still know them. More confusingly most things we know have a basis in fact but have fermented in our brains and gained a life of their own.