... about Charades

Charades was made "popular" by Lionel Blair nobody is sure why he decided it was worth doing but it has been suggested that it was a drunken bet with his brother, Tony.

It's a simple game to play, the opening stage of the game is probably the best bit: firstly an over excited family member (and yes it's usually my mum, for which I apologise) will insist that "we all play a game!" usually because it's Christmas or New Year which means we have to tolerate each others company as a family without resorting to the TV.
At this point the other players make desperate excuses as to why they can't play a game... these hopeless gambits will ultimately fail because we don't want to ruin Christmas for mother, do we?
Next comes a second round of desperation whilst the family tries to agree on a half-enjoyable game, inevitably this is just a delaying tactic and will fail. Some idiot (or my mum) will suggest Charades this will be received with icy stares, more excuses, and a quick recreation of the Goldfinger sketch from the Christmas episode of Bottom (charades starts about halfway through).
The game itself is something of a let down after all that excitement!

There are 2 ways to make charades considerably better:
1) Make it as hard as possible to guess, acting like an idiot is the best part of the game, enjoy it, give in and ham it up for all your worth. On this note its worth mentioning that one of the funniest charades I've ever seen was the Blob which contained no clues other than the person involved behaving like a blob for about quarter of an hour!
2) Make it random, buy yourself a big book o' films and pick from it at random. This works even better if the book has foreign films in it!

By now you're probably itching to play so here are a couple to wet your beak, see if you can guess them:

Charade 1

Raises right hand and makes circle in front of eye. Left cranks handle at side of head.
Raises 3 fingers.
Raises 1 finger. Slaps forehead with palm of right hand.
Raises 2 fingers. Pulls at earlobe. Puts pinky finger to corner of mouth, then cradles something with left arm makes motions above it with right hand. Points at self, performs motions again, points at self.
Raises 3 fingers. Puts 3 fingers against forearm.
Puts 1 finger against forearm. Pulls at earlobe. Walks around slowly with back slightly bent and right arm trailing (45 degrees backwards and downwards).
Puts 2 fingers against forearm. Points towards viewer
Puts 3 fingers against forearm. Pulls at earlobe. makes L shape with hand as the viewer sees it one of the bars points down the other points right.

That's it!


Charade 2

Traces rectangular symbol in air around face.
Holds up 2 fingers.
Holds up 1 finger. Taps one finger on arm.
Holds hand above head and wiggles fingers, in imitation of rain. Raises one arm and rubs armpit with hand. Rubs chest and face. Points to item in rubbing hand.
Taps 2 fingers on arm. Bends legs so almost squatting, then rises. Continues to do this, moving up and down.
Holds up 2 fingers. Taps 1 finger on arm. Makes rectangular symbol again with fingers in air.
Taps 2 fingers on arm. Puts out tongue and nods head, like tired dog.

Finish!

... about Mash-Ups

The concept of the mash-up was created by Humphrey Littleton on "I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue" in a game called "One Song to the Tune of Another". Since then it has been taken to the hearts of, mostly amateur, DJ's the world over and in particular Germany and the Internets. The traditional technique is to take something that the "cool kids" would dance to and combine it with something the "cool kids" wouldn't dance to and then try and give it a clever or funny name - so for example we could take Phil Collins and "mash him up with" Jay-Z (or one of that crowd) giving us Easily 99 Problematic Lovers or something, to my knowledge that one doesn't exist yet but if anyone does decide to make it then send it and the royalties my way!

Mash-ups are generally not released commercially and that's for two reasons firstly the vast majority are rubbish and don't actually aid the original songs and secondly the original songs are used without permission and hence there would be a huge tangle of lawyers (dependent on the number of songs and samples used) fighting over what little profits might be made. Whilst watching lawyers fight is vastly entertaining its probably not worth the trouble in this situation!

It seems that the world of the mash-up lacks originality and the same songs re-occur time and again. Staples include: Missy Elliot - Get Your Freak On; Jay-Z - 99 Problems; The Prodigy - Smack My Bitch Up; AC/DC - Back in Black; The Chemical Brothers - Galvanize; Survivor - Eye of the Tiger; and any given Snoop, Michael Jackson, Dr Dre or Queen song! Presumably with this information you could make the Best Mash-Up Ever which would be something like "99 Thrilling Freaks Smack the Galvanized Queen in the Black Eye for Snooping"... oh wait I forgot about Dre!

... about 1984 - The Musical!

Walt Disney's 1984. From the novel by Orson Wells. Music by Jeff Wayne.

The Future. The world is divided into three huge states: Oceania, Eastanglia, and Tesco, permanently at war with one another. In London County, Inglandcestershire, Winston Zeddmore Smith awaits trial in the Ministry of Fun.

Winston - Oh no! I'm going to be brainwashed and put in room 101! Whatever shall I do? But - wait a moment! Who's this?

Dennis - 'Allo Winston! Blimey, you look a bit down! Got a face like a thought policeman's arse, you have. Wossa problem?

Winston - Can't you see? I've be captured! I have only torture and death to look forward to!

Dennis - Ah, it's not so bad. All you've got to do is look at it right, and whistle a little tune between your big incisors that can chew right through a man's head. Just like this...

Well you've failed in your rebellion,
against a system that's Orwellian,
and the bad news is that they got hold of you alive.
You thought Julia would elope with ya,
but now the Stalinist dystopia's
not going to let you stay around for 1985.

But -
Cheer up Winston, cheer up Winston!
Why else d'you think they call it the Ministry of Fun!
Cheer up Winston, Cheer up Winston!
You might get Paul Merton's autograph when you're in room 101!
So put on a great big smile, and remember all the while,
There's still a dozen pages till the story is unfurled.
You may have lost a lover, but now you've gained a brother,
So when you look at it, it ain't the worst thing in the world.

Winston - Hey, you're right! (Singing:)

Well I took on the fist of iron,
And was brainwashed by O'Brien,
Because I didn't do all of the things I should.
My chance of survival may be brittle,
But I've got you - like Stuart Little,
And with my best friend here I'm feeling plus plus good.

They sing the chorus again. The thought police storm through the door and do a dance. O'Brien performs a solo on a rusty machine with dials. A picture of Big Brother winks. In the merriment, Julia, Winston and Dennis slip out the back door and off to frolic in the Golden Country. And so on.

... about Bee Cuisine

Bees like to cook for Hornets, or so I heard.

... about the toughest games

It was the Georgian potter Josiah Wedgewood who famously observed "Ceramic drinking vessels? That's a mug's game". Life is undoubtedly full of games: some great, some beautiful, many tough. But which is the toughest?

Firstly, the scale of the game is no indicator of its toughness. The Great Game, a set of border skirmishes between the British and Russian Empires in the mid-Victorian period, was undoubtedly large-scale, but as its name suggests it was terrific fun and everyone had a great time. On the other hand Chris Isaak's Wicked Game would appear to be restricted to one man, but even Chris Isaak didn't seem to enjoy it very much: in fact, he seemed pretty whiny about it. It was clearly wicked only in the non-skateboarding sense.

In some games it is nearly impossible to learn all the rules, such as The Crying Game or Warhammer Fantasy Battle. You may think you know all there is to know about the crying game, but as the film of the same title shows, there's always potential for one of your fellow-players to pull a surprise on you.

Sometimes, games don’t work out as easily as might be expected. Take two popular games from South Central Los Angeles, the Rap Game and the Drug Game. Among those with experience, the Rap Game is actually considered harder than the Drug Game, largely because if some foo' diss you in tha Drug Game you can shoot him and kill him, but if some foo' diss you in tha Rap Game you gotta be all humble an shit. Also you don’t get to choose the types of music you listen to.

All of these games, however, pale into insignificance compared to Boggle. Boggle is one of the hardest games there is, especially if you play against Owen. Even the Beastie Boys acknowledge this, boldly claiming to be the kings of Boggle in one of their songs, undoubtedly a more impressive boast than winning at either rap or drugs.

... About Making Fudge

1. Making fudge sounds rude but sometimes just means making fudge.


2. Making fudge sounds easy:
   Take all the butter you have in the house add it to all the sugar you have in the house and melt it in some evaporated milk, then boil it, then cool it.


3. Making fudge is NOT easy.


4. Making fudge yourself is almost certainly not worth the effort especially as the quantity you make is likely to be large enough to give you a sugar rush more powerful than any drug known to man!


5. Making fudge is probably best left to the professionals, I can recommend these guys but there's plenty out there!

... About Scorpions

Everybody knows that cockroaches will survive the apocalypse, but if they want to run planet earth they'll have the scorpions (not the band) to answer to and those guys don't mess about! In the post-apocalyptic wastelands I'm siding with the scorpions especially because by then they will probably have mutated into 8' goliaths (just like their Uncle Jake).

Scorpions belong to the arachnid family and are the cooler more deadly older brother of the spider - who don't have razor sharp claws or venomous stingers and lets face it are a bit dull.

As well as being able to withstand nuclear radiation scorpions can survive without breathing for 3 days, without eating for a year, being frozen sold, and being set on fire - which they often do for fun at parties. Other party tricks up the scorpion sleeves include glowing fluorescent under UV lights, being able to detach their penis, and not actually having sleeves! Unfortunately they don't handle strong liquor well and should be kept on beers if possible.

Currently scorpions are creating a cure for cancer just because they can and they're that cool.